Recent Posts
January 21st, 2009 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
i guess i should try to get back into the habit of writing daily like i used to. been a busy few days. i have missed the last 3 days of work i went to the dr on tuesday i have broncitis(sp) fun fun not i havnt had any energy at all… C is up to 157 boxes of cookies soo only another 43 boxes needed for sure. i’m soo not looking forward to work tomorrow… somehow i have to deal with wearing a resperator sigh i cant wait untill the company picks up again and i can go back to my normal dept. I’m still thinking about seeing if i can take vol layoff i really dont want to but painting welds is killing me if i use my albuteral inhailer it only makes me feel worse breathing the welding/paint fumes…. having asthma really sucks sometimes. i’m thinking about crashing earlyer then normal i slept most of the day away and i’m still mega tired sigh.. i hate being sick lol.
time to get stuff ready for work and clothes for C tomorrow.
L8r lost.
January 17th, 2009 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
well i’m still trying to figure out this new js. the importing from blogger was beyond easy. now if only js would bring back friends & fav’s. i used to have pro access for that option.. i really miss being able to show off my girls sigh. sometimes i wish i didnt have this huge prob with trust. i try to do as my old counceller told me and think positively. blah
today was a lazy day for me i got to sleep in wow that was soo nice to catch up on sleep.. after having to get up 4-45am during the week.. tomorrow is d-day Ash still hasnt decided if he will go to see Cammy dance or not.. i just hope she wont be too dissapointed if he doesnt show up. i plan on taking Ryleigh with us she is usally a very good baby. my sister is coming too so if she gets to be too bad i will either take her to a friends or have my sis help.
ttfn lost.
January 13th, 2009 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
i have a busy weekend planned tomorrow if its not as freezing cold here C & i are going to go door to door selling gs cookies….. her goal is 400 boxes and so far we have close to 200 sold… then on Sunday is church then she is performing at the local hs gym…. i can’t wait to see her cheerdance routine. my nephew will also be there doing hiphop i need to charge my camera up i plan on taking alot of pics 
.
not sure what else to write so L8r
January 10th, 2009 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
Work went okay my 32 hour check suckd at least next week i’ll have a 40.5 hour check..
after i picked up C from skool she had cheerdance i love watching her dance its soo cute this is a new class the dance stuido has this year for K-2nd graders. they also have an extra practice time set up since they are preforming it the 18th. i’m not worried about how she will do as long as she has fun.. we are going to put her blonde hair up in pigtails and then curl them…thier rectial is the end of april.
after dance i had to pick up the cookie forms for my daughter to sell gs cookies fun fun not! lol i refused to let her set her own goal by picking out which prize she wants…heres a big hint no way no how am i sellin 500+ boxes just so she can have this little dinky digital camera… we’re going to try and sell 200-300 boxes i’m soo hopeing for some nice warm days to go door to door i’m not going to hold my breathe on it happing tho since it started freezing with sleet that turnd into snow fun fun.. so wish me luck lol.
i did end up giving Ash $$ i tried to take his name off my account but they woodnt let me with out his signature…..yeah rite as if he wood sign off his access to free $$…sigh.. live & learn rite?> since our fight we still arent really talking he acts like it never happend i’m not sure how or what to think.. i talked to his mom some she doesnt want me and the girls to leave… she also wonders if he hasnt gone back to using i told her i didnt no…..tho he has in the past year used ice + pot. maybe i should have told Mary that but i didnt lie to her as far as i no he isnt doing drugs other then alcohol.
i still have nitemares i was hopeing since my uncle died the dreams wood die with him.. i’m glad he’s dead even if he died way to easy. at least now i dont have to keep feeling guilty for not having the strenght to come forward and tell to try to stop him from abusing other kids. my mom still isnt talking to me how long will she stay angry with me.. maybe i should have gone to his burial??
theres alot of things going on in my life i’m trying to focus on the good and ignore or push away the bad. when i’m able to afford to go back to councelling i’m going to ask mrs s about the images i’ve been gettin could possibly be repressed memorys it scares me to think they could be my memories and if they are i hope this doesnt mean i will start remembering more of my chyldhood…. for the most part its a blur i dont have too many memorys before 13… tho i do remember trying to kill myself at 8. sometimes i wonder if i had succeded wood they have found out about the sexual abuse?
mostly i try not to think about what if’s….
Tomorrow is church and depending on how my dad is feeling i might take the girls out to the farm to spend some time with him. my dad has terminal bone cancer since they started him on double dose’s of chemo it has really aged him every time i see him its like a shock to me he has lot his full head of silver hair whats left is very thin dull gray.. he is slowly losing weight….
one of his biggest joys is seeing Ryleigh she loves her grandpa and he has the speical honor of being one of the very few people she will happily go to from my arms. R has him wrapped around her little pinky lol.
not sure what else to write so L8r Lost.
January 7th, 2009 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
today at work went okay i was stuck running a press for 90 mins thankfully the teamleader(tl) moved me back to painting galvinized (sp) welds.. one of the welders kept looking at me and finally she came over and said ok i no u from somewhere but where.. turns out i new her younger brother talk about a blast from the past as we last seen each other at her brothers funeral.. we’re going to try and have work stations near each other again tomorrow so we can bs part of the boring day away lol.
i got 30 mins ot today since i joined activites group. i signed up to volenteer for 3 or 4 diff things during the year.
my bf Ash is pouting right now i think hes also in shock i told him i’m broke so i couldnt buy him more booze i guess he should A. either go get a job. haha funny funny or B. haved made the 18 pack he made me buy him monday last a little bit longer. my net aunt told me i needed to start out slow and start standing up for my self & stop giving him $ 50-60 every week.. i told her i am tired of this reverse chyldsupport where i pay him & take care of our daughters needs….. finally after 13 months i’ve gotton to the point of resenting his constant using me.. its hard for me to not give in but then i tell myself if i say i like honesty so much then why am i lying to myself that he really loves me.. the sad thing i’m discovering is i’m not sure how much he loves our daughters….. so i’m just going to keep telling myself i’m not doing anything wrong its okay for me to save my last $20 i have untill friday in case either C or R needs anything and with a 13 month old most peeps no they need alot. lol i really wish i could make some of my posts just friends so i could show off my 2 girls but i’ve always felt major uncomy with strangers being able to see my kidz. maybe its because of the abuse i lived threw duno and i guess it really doesnt matter.
its 9pm & both girls are sound asleep i’m half watching a tv show on lifetime… i think i’m going to go read some journals before i crash in a hour….
ttfn Lost.
January 4th, 2009 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
Tomorrow i have to go back to work after being off since Dec 22nd. i’m sooo not looking forward to it if i was going back to my normal work dept i woodnt mind or even the dept i was shipped to in oct. but i hate hate hate dept 04 i cant stand the so called teamleader hes a mega creep!! i am seriously thinking of going and asking about taking vol layoff.. i have been thinking alot about it and i think if i was carefull i could survive on the $274 a week for one thing no more daycare….and the pluses i think outweigh the negs …. on the plus side being able to take C to skool & spending all day with R.. not having to be mega stressed out. not having to breathe nasty welding fumes and paint fumes also a plus…. on the neg side having to depend on the factory picking up before my 6 months were over….you no i cant really think of anymore negs to taking vol layoff. well i guess still being with an alcoholic bf who has no plans at all of growin up and maning up.. i guess wood fall into the neg catergory also…. decisons decisons something i need to make alot of and the thing i suck most at doing…. seems like i never make the rite choices… tho i guess in the end i normaly do what is right for my girls soo maybe i just need to have a little more faith in myself. i think in 2009 i need to start trying to stand up for myself,make my own decisons.guess we will see how things work out.
January 1st, 2009 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
Today was a great day my sister came up with her 4 girls. Cammy played with her 2 older cousins on the xbox360. my sis and i wacthed the gaterbowl game omg it was a great game! we were both drinking and we kept telling the tv come on huskers your making us drink lol… we had bbq roast sandwitchs mine was plain i’m wierd i dont really care for bbq sause lol.. my sister and i decided we are going to do this every year.. after Nebraska won the bowl game 26 to 21 we made choc chip cookies for the girls. it was alot of fun. i also finally got around to trying on C’s cheerdance costume it fits her snugly she things its too tight i’m not sure…since its suposted to be formfitting anyway i’ll talk to her dance teacher see what they say. if i new how to post pic’s on here i’d put a pic up….sigh smg else i need to learn how to do. anyway today was a great day
January 1st, 2009 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
Well my net sis did show up we had alot of fun catching up. and even managed to find yet another jouranl site to try.. soo far i think its a toss up between here where it seems most of js has landed and i’ll prolly like more once i learn where/how things run. and JournalHome which reminds me alot of JS. i’m happy to write that i only had 1 drink and i didn’t do anything i’d later regret soo another 31st down lol
has anyone seen Dustbunny?? i cant remember everyone i had on fav’s.. might have to try callin her.
i’m starting to fall asleep its almost 1am and tomorrow my sister and her 4 girls are coming here to eat bbq roast sandwitchs and watch the gaterbowl…. Go Huskers!! lol i’ll write more tomorrow about it and if i can figure it out post some piccies……
L8r Lost.
December 31st, 2008 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
Well i’m waiting on my internet family to show up… i’m really hoping at least 1 of them will keep there word and show up.. i no its kinda pathatic to be 22 and need to have support to be able to cope with a day.
i looked today threw my files in my computer and couldnt find the back up of my other journal that i thought i had.. sigh… 4 plus years gone…… i think what i miss the most was all the kind comments. i havnt cutt in over 2yrs i dont remember the exact date i quit and its gone forever now.
maybe tomorrow i will play around with this site and try to customize it… my thoughts are all over the place soo i think before i ramble more i’ll close.
December 31st, 2008 in Uncategorized by LostChyld
since it seems like most JS’ers are coming here i figured i’d give it a try also. I keep hoping a somehow JS will come back… owell whatever or however it ends i have to have a site to keep writing.. i’m terrible at dealing with stress and venting threw writing is alot healther then my old ways of cuttin or burnin. i think what i will miss most about the old site is the friendships i made with people who didnt judge me.
Today is a really sucky day for me 9yrs ago was the nite of the accedent that ended up killing my bestfriend.. i really hate drunks who think they can drive! then my internet big brother died in 03.
Its time for my daughter’s bottle so i’ll close for now….
L8r Lost.
